


Raine Lionheart Presents: Steven Universe Drabbles

by RaineLionheart



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Comedy, Drabble, F/F, Ficlet, Fluff, Friendship, Gen, Humans are dumb, Lapis reads manga, Pearl is salty, Peridot rants, Slice of Life, rupphire, terrible puns
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-06
Updated: 2019-06-19
Packaged: 2019-11-13 02:58:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18023480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RaineLionheart/pseuds/RaineLionheart
Summary: A collection of drabbles from Steven Universe.





	1. I'd Be Frustrated, Too

**Author's Note:**

> This popped into my head as I was reading [Explaining Homophobia to an Alien](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13306944) by AlexiHollis.
> 
> This just sort of happened, so I promise nothing in regards to new chapters. We'll cross that bridge later.
> 
> For now, please enjoy this brain dropping.

Humans were relentless when it came to feeding. It irritated Pearl to no end, but she had a cheeky way of dealing with this.

"I don't need to eat," she would begin, "as my body is simply a construct of hard light and receives all the energy it needs from my gem."

Following a moment of incredulity, confusion or possibly hostility, she would reach into her gem and withdraw a small piece of paper, similar in appearance to an ordinary, if **_fancy_** , business card. She would then thrust it toward the offending human.

It read, _I just pulled this out of my head. I am clearly not a human being_.

Sheena would always cackle at the human's reaction.

"Now give that back to me. It's been laminated for a reason."


	2. Relax, Amethyst Has This

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amethyst gives Steven a souvenir from her latest bit of Earth-saving (or dooming?).

Steven stared at the insignia, running his fingers against the stylized Z.  
  
"That was on this dude's belt buckle when I clobbered him into the ground outside the Big Donut." Amethyst chortled. "He was all like, 'How dare you touch the groin of Ziltoid the Omniscient?' and I was all like, 'POW!'"

"Was he a human?" Steven cried. "You didn't hurt a human, did you?!"

Amethyst yawned. "Nah, total alien weirdo. He looked like a sock puppet and a dinosaur had a baby."

Sadie added, "In her defense, the... er, thing... he threw his coffee at Lars, threatened to annihilate Earth with a 'Planet Smasher', then left without paying."

Amethyst threw an arm around the young woman's shoulder and said, "And nobody rips off home-girl here but me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ziltoid the Omniscient was created by Devin Townsend, who I've been listening to obsessively lately. I recommend checking his music out if you're into intense, crazy, often funny, always brilliant music. Plus, he's Canadian.


	3. I Herd That

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sapphire tries to wrap her head around one of Ruby's choices. Short and dumb and cute.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pardon the dumb jokes. Or don't. I regret nothing.

Ruby and Sapphire were cuddled up together on the couch in the Beach House, talking things over before the wedding the next day.  
  
It wasn't that there was an issue they had yet to resolve. Sapphire just couldn't wrap her head around one thing.  
  
"Cowboy?"  
  
Ruby snickered at the tone in her bride-to-be's voice.  
  
"Well, when you think about it," she said, "I was falling back on prior experience."  
  
Sapphire was silent for a moment, trying to suss out what Ruby meant. Then it dawned on her and she couldn't supress a snort. "Sweetie, chasing cows away from the barn doesn't make you a cowboy."  
  
"Sure it does! Cowboys herd things! That's what Garnet did!"  
  
Sapphire smiled smugly and said, "Then I suppose I'm a cowboy too, pardner."


	4. Paulette Is A Sorceress And It Was Her Familiar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot has issues with the reboot of Camp Pining Hearts. Lapis reads manga.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love my little lime.

"This episode of Camp Pining Hearts has to be the most ludicrous one to date!"  
  
Lapis' attention didn't waver from the manga she was reading. She turned a page, trying to tune out her furious roommate who paced restlessly and angrily from one end of the barn to the other. She'd been ranting for over an hour about the latest episode of the newly rebooted television series.  
  
"The overuse of dim lighting and cold tones was only the tip of the comet. The writing has become dreadful, the newly formed campers are even more prone to depressive states..." She clutched at her hair in frustration. "They've introduced the absurd notion that the Camp itself may be a figment of Paulette's fevered imagination during a comatose state!"  
  
Lapis sighed. Peridot took things too seriously sometimes. Nevertheless, she decided to try to appease her wounded heart. "They really jumped the shark, huh?"  
  
"Oh don't get me started on the shark! How did it end up in the lake in the first place?"


	5. I Can't Believe I'm Already Resorting To A Crossover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connie tells Peridot a joke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This takes place immediately after a story I haven't written yet, may not publish, and indeed have no idea how to write, and therefore may be the most useless piece of effluvia I've ever written. So it has that going for it.
> 
> Connie has just taught Peridot about photography. This would be the closing scene.
> 
> I don't know what the hell happened.

 

"I have a joke for you."

Peridot sighed and replied, "All right. I await delivery of your ribaldry."

Connie stared at her a moment with a perplexed look before she shook her head.

"Okay. What do you call two pixels?"

Peridot pondered for a moment, as was customary before saying, "I do not know, Connie. What do you call two pixels."

"A _pair of dots_."

Connie beamed.

Peridot stared.

Connie sighed. Now she had to explain idiosyncratic language.

***

**_Elsewhere..._ **

Claire could just sense it. She felt her face assume the look.

  

_There is another..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kindred spirits.
> 
> Claire Augustus is from Questionable Content, by the brilliant Jeph Jacques. Claireface was drawn by him.


	6. This Isn't A Heist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "This one night, when I was still a security guard, I saw the weirdest thing."

The security guard heard glass shattering. She spun around just as light filled the room and the gemstone rose above the broken display case. Moments later, a short figure materialized and touched down on the glass covered velvet. The security guard gaped as the figure groaned and stretched, absentmindedly scratching at the amethyst gem now resting in their chest.

They looked around and spotted the guard, still standing stunned.

"Aw jeez, not again."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had this idea that Amethyst, who is the Crystal Gem most likely to get poofed, has probably reformed in loads of weird and interesting places, depending on who stumbles across her regenerating Gem. So obviously a jewelry store would have to be one of those places.


	7. I Mustache You A Question

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garnet is faced with an impossible situation.

Time was running out.

Garnet could only stare at the display as the countdown went on, slowly counting down.

Internally, she could feel the argument between Ruby and Sapphire reach a fever pitch, each component at a loss for a tangible solution. Nothing made sense; why they were here, how they'd gotten here, what would happen next.

Even Sapphire's precognition was of no use. There were simply too many variables, each less logical than the last, which distorted the paths of probable futures beyond her ability to divine them.

How ever Steven had talked her into this, Garnet had no idea. She should have called it folly the moment he had suggested it.

But she could never say no to him.

Another second ticked by.

"Garnet?"

The fusion remained silent.

Another second.

Finally, Garnet said, "Waterloo."

The mustachioed human with the cards in his hand frowned and said, "I'm sorry Garnet, you'll have to state your answer in the form of a question."

In a beach house in Delmarva, Steven Universe and assembled friends and family collectively face-palmed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will always be a Trebek/Mustache shipper.


End file.
